If you’ve ever experienced a friend seeming to pull away from you for the sparkling enticement of their new friend, you’ve probably met your inner green-eyed monster. But do you really understand what you’re feeling, and how to deal with it? In “Psychology Today”, Therapist Lybi Ma says, “ Jealousy is a natural, adaptive feeling designed to preserve important relationships.
So the jealousy itself, at its core, can be concluded to be a mental program alerting to danger, much like the stimulus of fear. However, we must take caution.
Lybi Ma continues, “Research has identified many root causes of extreme jealousy include low self esteem, high neuroticism [a tendency to be easily anxious, sad, or worried], possessiveness, and fear of abandonment.”
It is also important to be fully aware if you are actually jealous or if what you are feeling is perhaps envy. Are you envious because you, yourself, wish that you had a cool new best friend?
Mia Wood, a journalism student minoring in psychology, says this on the topic of jealousy in friendships. “Girls tend to see each other as competition.. I have also compared myself to their new best friend and wondered what makes them more fun to hang out with than me.” So then the question is, what to do about it? Do not become clingy; in fact, space here is vital. Spend time with yourself and your talents, remember that confidence comes from within, and ask yourself if perhaps it is all in your head and you are projecting your insecurities into a situation where there is no real issue. Mia Wood continues, “Having space from each other and a diversity of social groups will pull experiences from their varied lives to show you more knowledge and skills that you normally wouldn’t have.”
We become jealous because we often fear being replaced on the “friendship pedestal.’ And while this can be a realistic fear in some cases, many people have more than one best friend. Mia Wood says, “People naturally express different parts of themselves with different people, so don’t feel offended if they can’t give you 100% of themselves 100% of the time. Ofton, that friend who is getting close to a new friend.. Has no negative feelings towards you at all.”
You may be projecting your own anxiety and feelings of inadequacy onto your best friend’s new/other closet friendship. Think logically and put yourself in their shoes. When you hang out with one friend, are you trying to replace your best friend, and/or do you like this other friend better? Probably not. If you feel comfortable, like it would be well received, and are able to bring up your concerns without blaming them or harboring negative emotions, talk to them about it. They may be able to give you the reassurance you need. Even just asking to hang out with them/ spend more time with them, as opposed to a serious talk, can help significantly. Acknowledge that your friend is likely completely unaware of how you feel. Lastly, remember that some people will come and go, and life goes on. The sun will still rise tomorrow. Stay positive, and stay confident!
If you are interested in more on this topic, here’s a really good article: https://www.therapyroute.com/article/the-psychology-of-jealousy-understanding-its-roots-and-breaking-the-cycle-by-d-chakravorty