If depression were a color, it would be dark grey. I sit in my room as my mind goes blank. My body frozen, my thoughts too. Rotting in bed is all I can do. Happy memories erased, and all I can think of is how it’s always been this way. I can only remember happiness as a very distant memory. The last joy I managed to piece together was when I was 3, running through my yard, grass below my feet. Depression is a thief who stole the rest of these from me; whatever memories that were kept have now left.
The feeling is euphoric in a way, with no pain and no emotion. It hugs me, like my favorite blanket, hiding me from all of the commotion. I stay hidden under you because you are the only safe haven I can reach. My family and friends have drifted too far. I’m losing them because you are drifting us apart.
Even if I wanted to leave, you wouldn’t let me. We’ve become a pair, haven’t we? We’ve gotten close after all the years you spent following me like a ghost. Your presence was always near. I could hear you in the back of my mind, silently haunting your way out. I should’ve run, and I should’ve hid, I should’ve known better because I am no longer a clueless kid. But I never did; I just stood still and let you find me. Why? I’m not sure. I think I thought what you had was enough to grant me peace. Honestly, how dumb could one be? Because that was far from the truth, and it’s too late to try to get free.
You know me now, inside and out. You know where to go and what path I’d be running from you on. You catch up to me, always.
Depression is like a movie nearing the end, but before it’s done, you hit rewind, setting it back to where it was the first time. When I start to feel better, I know not to get too excited, because you always return. You may leave for a little bit; maybe you have someone else’s life to ruin- I don’t know. But I’ve memorized your patterns, so I know you will come back just as fast as you go. That must be your party trick, isn’t it? You make me think I am healed, then break your way through my glass shield, shattering my world all over again.
You don’t steal a small part of me; you become me. You become who I rely on and my reality. You’ve even become my personality, controlling how I act and what I say. I wake up to you every morning, as you latch onto me without warning. I have no choice but to take you everywhere I lead. You follow me to school, weighing on me while I try to learn. But you have lit every thought from my brain, letting them burn. The smoke clouds my mind, making it foggy.
Do I still try to run when I know you will find me without a doubt? Or do I let you slowly consume me, before there is only one way left out?