Somebody love me that way that Chasten loves Mayor Pete 

Enough to travel around the whole of America 

Not necessarily spending time together

But doing everything to support each other’s crazy ideas

And when I do become president I want to be supported by someone like Henry McCord

Preferably one who doesn’t share that character’s adoration for theological humor

Somebody please serenade me 

Tell me that I’m your Mariah Carey 

I want a romance like David and Patrick’s 

With someone who was also uncharacteristically emotional over the Schitt’s Creek finale

I would love to be somebody’s Yeti

If they beared enough resemblance to John Green to get that reference

Alternatively I could be what Katherine is to Hank 

Or rather what Hank is to Katherine

Because I want to be a bigger nerd than my future partner

So somebody please put up with me as I follow the lead of America’s Chemistry Teacher

I want a love story like Evie and Stephen Colbert’s 

With someone who makes me laugh even with political commentary

Someone whose joie de vivre I’m more than willing to share with the whole world

I want to be with somebody who brags endlessly about my fixing a washing machine

Who I can say is “the great one” when I’m told about said bragging

If I could just be the Athena to another person’s Ramses 

No, there was no marriage between a Greek goddess and an Egyptian pharaoh

Those are just the names of one of my best friends’ parents

The people who quite possibly have the relationship of which I’m most jealous