School is almost out with barely a month left, so we here at The Advocate wanted to help our community get heat strokes during this summer vacation and, for our senior students, we would like to have them experience a health crisis so they can prepare later in life when they eventually get Osteoporosis at age 55. Without further ado, here are five ways to get a massive heat stroke in the summer.

• The oven from hell on wheels

Have you ever seen the News during the summer? It’s filled about wonderful articles about how people are basically cooking in their car, but we here at The Advocate know that we could do better than just give you minor discomfort in a car. First off, make sure that your car is closed at all times with windows up too, this is to ensure heat will be trapped inside the car. A no brainer, but then you turn on the AC and make sure you turn it up to eleven for heat. You should also try wearing winter clothes or clothes in dark colors or both! By following our instructions, you are guaranteed a heat stroke or even death!

2.   Hot, hot, oh god that’s hot

     Ever wondered what would happen if you slapped hot coals from your dad’s BBQ inside a tupperware container then proceed to strap it on your head? Well, we have a surprise for you! The surprise is that that’s exactly what you’re supposed to do. Take a regular size tupperware container from your local Walmart, or if you’re just lazy, steal one from your parents’ kitchen. Make sure it’s about the size of your head or a little bit bigger. Now, heat up the coals until fragrant and pour those suckers into the container. Finally, find a belt or make some straps (you can take some off of bicycle helmets) and prepare for a once (literally) of a lifetime experience like no other.

3.   Death by solar panels and a lot, I mean a lot, of batteries

     Solar panels are the future of new and clean alternative energy, and the future of new ways of heat stroke deaths! I call this method, Heatstroke on the beach. What you need is about 15 car batteries and a solar panel with the dimensions that fit your shape. Then you set it up and make sure it’s taking in a lot of heat from the sun. When it is hot enough to fry you like a burger on a deathly skillet, lay down on it with your bathing suit or trunks and prepare for a tan that’ll melt your mind.

4.   Faster than light, or die trying

     To experience one of the best ways to melt yourself to bits after you get a massive stroke you should attach yourself to the back of an airplane engine. However, we know that we can do better. The best way to achieve heat stroke via vehicle engine is by rocket! First, get a rocket and someone to make it actually work. Ask NASA or SpaceX if unable to personally acquired one. Then take Flex Tape or a really powerful adhesive and slap yourself to the exhaust. Prepare for an out of this world trip.

5.   Jump up and up and up and up, and oh god, help, they can’t stop

     The Matrix has been breached — to beat the heat strokes of all heat strokes, you must do the forbidden jump. First, take a trash can and get on it. Now, repeatedly pick it up then drop it in a rapid motion. Repeat until you get to the sun. Then prepare for the solar flares up close!

That’s all folks! The top five ways to get a heat stroke this summer. The Advocate would like to remind you that you shouldn’t actually do these at all and this is a satirical article and also, that we are not responsible for what you do with your body and brain.