The Leek: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, I Can’t Come Up With a Rhyme for Spaghetti…

Ever had Tupperware spaghetti? The feeling of utter disgust when it’s been in the fridge for a couple of days and you gotta heat it back up, only for the spaghetti to be sub-par. It’s a disgrace for a man, woman, and child to even be insulted by Tupperware stored spaghetti! It should, as our founding fathers of this great nation intended it, be eaten fresh, not eaten as a second rate backup meal!

As the world’s last standing superpower from the days of the Cold War, we had to see what was or was not undoubtedly American. Baseball, Tom Cruise, Hotdogs, and Hamburgers. We had come to agree that they all are American, that a baseball game during the cool spring air and rustling leaves should include these items. That when you once rode your bike around your neighborhood and felt the breeze softly whisper to you as the sun shine brightly. That is all American! To report your father as a commie is American! There is no alternative to such ideas. So why isn’t spaghetti, which is just as American as baseball, not included in the list of truly American things?

Spaghetti is being treated as a meal worthy for the poor as if we were in the Victorian Era, but there is no excuse for spaghetti not being eaten everywhere. Spaghetti is a main course dish that should be one of the most portable foods since the chicken bucket! It’s a disgrace, truly no one had the bravery to stand up against the ridiculousness of this communist interference. That’s right, those commies took control of our rights in our great nation! They will NEVER take our rights away from us! Not the red, white, nor blue of our flag! They will have to claw our dead cold hands before they could take our spaghetti rights from us!

We should be the shining example of democracy, the sets of American ideals should run in our veins as our blood alongside it. Spaghetti is as American as Columbia, as American as our 2nd Amendment, as American as AUTOMATIC SHIFT DRIVING! It is our divine right to eat spaghetti where we wish, it is God’s will to give us those golden strands and the ruby red sauce of heaven. To eat it as it was meant to be eaten: fresh, on a plate, and anywhere at any time. That is what is to be a true red-blooded American of these United States!

Thus, go to your politician, go to your representative, and demand them to remove the scum that dared to destroy our rights. They shall never win against the citizens of the United States of America! They shall never destroy our forefathers work at the Battle of Concord! For spaghetti was given to us by Christopher Columbus, and in 1492 he sailed the ocean blue. Though a mad man, he gave us hope as just Patrick Henry did in the Revolutionary War. Just like the Boston Tea Party! And we will do the same to those who dare suppress our rights, our very way of life! Give me death or give me liberty! There is no alternative!