The Leek: Man Drowns on Airplane After Pilots Did a “Sick Barrel Roll”

Last month on the 25th, a United Airlines flight numbered 122 crashed off the coast of New Jersey after it was reportedly steered off course and almost slamming into another building. The Coast Guard was able to quickly rescue the crash survivors with a report of a zero casualty rate… unless we count the man who apparently drowned in the bathroom of the back of the plane during its descent.

22-year-old John Smith was the victim of the tragic plane crash. However, a police report found out that Smith died before the initial impact of the plane. Apparently, Smith drowned mid-flight after an unprecedented increase of turbulence. Eye-witness accounts say that the plane did a maneuver of some sort — “It was an absolutely sick barrel roll man,” said the local hipster while another man yelled, “It was an aileron roll, not a barrel roll you uncultured swine,” which proceeded in a fight over the two comments. Air Control stated that the two pilots did indeed do an “aileron roll” in the middle of taking off, which caused Smith to drown after he was using the sink on full blast and got stuck under the faucet. Now the two pilots are facing massive backlash for not doing a “Cuban Eight for double points” as officially stated by the US Department of Transportation and for “Not equipping the Diver plane skin.”

In court, the two men said that they were “pressured by the internal community of the Airline Industry” and that “People keep saying “Hey you better do it or else” and stuff like that, it sucks that people outside can’t understand that us Veterans get good just by using the default equipment.” They also stated in court that they’d get triple points by crashing the plane in the water. When the judge reviewed the incident and a video recording of it, he said it was “wicked” and should be at least “20 points.” The jury debated for hours, and the final verdict was a unanimous vote for Guilty. However, they were able to appeal to the district court which proved to be fruitless and had to move directly to the supreme court.

The supreme court was impressed by the pilots’ achievements in New Jersey, with Ruth Bader Ginsburg and John Roberts high-fiving and proclaiming that “it was absolutely sick!” The court voted soon after but had to be delayed to the 21st of April due to some difficulty of one of the pilots’ refusal to be “a snitch”: “I ain’t no snitch Alex, you know that. They ain’t gettin’ nothin’ about you from me.” Smith’s family also intervened during the court case in the district court in New Jersey, stating that it was in their best interest to help end the tradition of fatal drowning accidents on airliners from the infamous Getty v. Canadian Airlines to the landslide victory for big industry in Board of directors v. Colorado (where the entirety of the plane was exploded). However, their stance is challenged by the airline industry which dominated the skies and its rules for twenty years since Roanoke v. AirBlue. The Leek will keep this story updated after their case will be made again on the 21st.