The Leek: Congress Panics After They Accidently Legalize Murder

January 7th, The Capitol Building. Janitor Will Kiss Booth was cleaning the drab and empty Lower Chamber; dusting the picture of Vince Offer and throwing away the 863 bottles of dubious origin only found in Congress. Booth reached the podium of the Speaker Of The House, Nancy Pelosi’s podium, and started to begrudgingly clean up the mess of papers involving 9 cases of Franzia White Wine and a bottle of Republican tears. Mr. Booth was surprised when he found a bill that was passed, he thought nothing of it at first, until he read it. “The Legalization Of Recreational Murder”.

The United States Congress legalized murder 2 days before the partial government shutdown. Most politicians believe the worst for America, anarchy, and chaos for the once safe streets. However, scientists say that it could actually benefit the U.S. A study by Harvard University showed that murder rates actually drop in big suburban areas like New York City and Detroit, Around a 27.5% drop in felonies and a staggering 43.2% drop in minor crimes (robbery, simple assault, and not paying the parking meter). The study states that “…by legalizing the act of murder, the top offenders of the law will doubt their legitimacy as part of the criminal world as murder is no longer a desired fad to major crime syndicates and independents if it were to be legalized by the U.S Government,”  but most average middle-class Americans are having the most trouble from the new law.

In Washington D.C, John Smith works at a small convenience store and lives a normal life for an average person. When the new law was passed, Smith had his concerns. Concerns that became threats, Smith was about to be robbed on gunpoint until the suspect lower his gun then proceeded to somberly leave the store. In an interview, Smith told us that “I had my suspicion that my local serial killer (Smiles) would act like that, have you ever like followed a trend then everyone followed it and so you no longer follow the trend because everyone is doing it? It’s basically the same thing really, too bad about Smiles though. He was really good at killing people.” Smith was then orderly stabbed by a local homeless man when asked he responded with “I dunno, felt like it” and left the shop. Another man in the suburbs was shot while he was mowing his lawn, one was run over by a tractor, and a Florida woman decapitated her husband after he refused to take out the trash. The United States Department of Homeland Security is unable to do anything, due to the shutdown, so workers are overworked and underpaid. Anarchy rules the streets. But for people like Jack R. Ipper, it’s rather frustrating for a different reason.

“It’s just not fun anymore” Ipper states “It was what the cool guys did, but now since everyone is doing it… I just don’t know anymore” Ipper says on his couch made from human bones and skin. Many people like Ipper are out of a job due to the passing of the new law, with his profession being in abundance he and many have taken up different jobs. “To be honest, without the new law I wouldn’t ever found out my handiness with tools” as Ipper is now a mechanic for his town’s auto repair shop. “I just hope that I can live off of my second job as a mechanic, it’s not paying the bills murdering people these days.”

Congress has been frantically putting pressure on both parties to give in, The Democrats stand firm and the Republicans are not budging. The chaos has turned into an almost fragile peace after the initial impact of the law, but we will have to see if the law stays or not and if the legitimacy of former criminals can be reserved.